Have you experienced loss?

Everyone experiences it... And, it sucks.

Grandparents die, aunts and uncles die, parents die, siblings die, friends die, and yes, even children die... Always tragic.  We all have someone close to us, or not so close to us, who has died.  So, we all know grief.

So, why is it that some folks feel their death experience is so much more profound than everyone else's death experience? Why is it that they feel they can, and do, hurt worse than you?  Why do they feel like no one understands them?

Ummm... Honestly, I don't know, sorry.  What I do know, though, is this:

Death is loss.  Processing any loss is just that - a process. Processes all have a beginning, a middle, and an end, and their schedules are all very different.  But, there is and end, nonetheless.  This is not to say that we don't still get a tear in our eye when we recall special memories of those we've loved and lost.  But, the grief does fade.

I had an aunt who lost all of her female pregnancies - four, to be precise - for unknown reasons.  She lost her husband just as all of her boys were leaving home, and she contracted lupus before it was something they could effectively medically manage.  Even so, she happily worked as a teacher until late in life, cooked for everyone (she was an amazing cook), and raised four very happy, strong and successful boys in Small Town, USA.  When she left us, she left a vast community of people whom she touched dearly throughout her long, hard-working, service-oriented life.

I had a grandfather who was raised in poverty in a small farming community in Maine.  He worked hard throughout his childhood, and when he was a teen was farmed out, with his five brothers and sisters to various families on the community, where he lived with and worked for another family for his room and board until he was 17.  At 17, he lied about his age and joined the US Navy.  He met the love of his life and had twin boys.  While he was out to sea, his wife brought a new man into his boys' lives, and he saw them very infrequently thereafter.  He served for almost 40 years and survived the attack on Pearl Harbor, while many of his close friends were not so lucky.  And, of course, he lost his mother and father for good at some point along the way.  Loss, loss, and more loss.  He raised my dad - who, by the way, was not easy to "raise" - and took care of me almost every day of my childhood.  He loved and cared for my overbearing, though awesome, grandmother and played Santa Clause for many years at the local mall.  He died (most fittingly) on Christmas Day.  My grandfather will always be known as the most patient, stable, kind, and happy person I've ever known.  His life was about serving others.

I have a friend who had the "perfect suburban family."  She married her childhood sweetheart, had three avtive boys who were into sports, and lived in the perfect home in Pleasantville, USA.  She was busy running everyone here and there, volunteering for everything in the community, and caring for her wonderful family, when she was told her 10 year old son had brain cancer.  Her son and the family stayed strong and positive throughout his cancer treatment.  He was eventually taken by the cancer, but the family continues to serve as a model of positivity and strength in the community.

I have another friend who lost his mother when he was 12.  He is a single dad now with two sons - one whose mother participates in his life.  His second son's mother, however, left him when he was two years old, and has never been back.  No one knows what happened to her.  The boys are now 14 and 12.  We have a very good, mutual family of friends who has become very close with the oldest son.  Recently, the mom of that family, also with two teenage children, had a brain aneurism and remains in a coma today.  Everyone is on pins and needles, praying for her recovery, but it doesn't look good.

I spent Father's Day with my father.  It was wonderful - we ate, we laughed, we loved... And, we talked about his cancer.  As positive as we all, including him, tried to be, his girlfriend wouldn't let us forget the Doctor said he should "get his affairs in order" and that "it doesn't look good."  As an aside... "Screw you - let us be happy together for one day, for God's sake."  Anyway... I have to have some compassion for her too, I suppose.  I mean, she just lost her adult son to suicide a couple months ago, and feels she is losing my dad too.  So, as much as I dislike that she literally stole my dad from my mom and lives in my mom's house (and feels absolutely no remorse for either), I feel for her.  I still don't like her.  Never will.  But, I have compassion for her nonetheless.

My mom... Well, let's just say, she's been dying ever since.

Death sucks.  Loss of any kind sucks.  I know you can relate.  It's something we all have in common.  It's a bond we, as individuals, share with the entire human race. We all have our cross to bare, though our crosses may not all be constructed of the same material.  Be kind to one another - be happy for their happy moments.  No one's burden of grief is greater than any other's. It really is the CIRCLE of life.